treading water

Do you ever feel like you want to make a change, you want to move forward, you want to do something different and yet your resolve dissipates at the blink of an eye, you lose all ambition, you sit and wonder why you can't reach out and take the things that are right in front of you. And you just feel tired, lonely, tired and lonely because you spend all your energy floating, treading water. And yet at the same time, I'm not discontent with my life, just with myself I guess. What do I do to make a change, how do I take that step? Well, I guess I do it like this......one foot in front of the other.....one foot.

training: a revised approach......drink beer and pedal

So I've come to it again, status-post crossnats in Bend. I've decided I need a goal for the upcoming new year. Taking into account the failure of my previous years plans to compete in the Athena Queen of the Universe race at the Cross-nats Blowout Bash, I've modified my approach. BTW, those bitches were fast and it was way dark and they were downing PBR's at the start line! I would have crashed coming down the flyover in the first lap (a.k.a. ten feet from the start).

Not to say my inability to race cyclocross was an excuse for my failed training attempts, it was in fact a sidenote. My training was merely a focus for me, a way to channel my desires to get into better shape and be alot more bad ass. And let's face it, my vertical leap has never been anything close to impressive and the bar was too high for me to reach so this year I have opted for a more linear leap, a close analysis of my strengths and weaknesses and subsequent honing of these things and all toward a specific goal.

So here it is, I'm gonna race the Ashland Super D(or newly titled Ashland Mountain Challenge), I like the old name better and it will be henceforth referred to as that. Anyhow, we have gone to this race for the last few years and Erich has always raced. We go up the night before, Erich pre-rides the course, then we spend the night on top of mt. ashland. It's a great race and from what I here, a great course to ride. I'm gonna find out for myself! Why not? I have a badass yeti that is just asking to be ridden and I have never been in a race before. So this year, the thirty-first year of my life, I will race. I don't care if I win or even come close to it, I just want to finish and preferrably not severely injure myself. :)

As for training, I'm going to follow in the immortal footsteps of world champion dh racer steve peat. Drink beer and ride your bike. That's right folks, I have no intention of trying to cut out anything from my diet at this point, I'm just going to focus of getting fit. As it is, I eat rather healthy. It has been one year since I've eaten fast food (ok, in my book, the occasional in'n'out burger is a legal cheat) and it has been over a year since I quit drinking soda! I drink lots of water and try to cook as natural as possible. I'm not an organic only snob, I like my box of kraft mac'n'cheese on occasion, meat is delicious and I can't afford free-range organic so I eat the regular stuff. So Lord knows there is room for improvement, and room to be gained when trying on my favorite pair of jeans, but I will for now only worry about putting my foot on that pedal and making it up the hill. You gotta make it to the top of the hill before you get to go downhill. Damn, I hate going up hills. :)
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To contentment in a broke-down palace

I am.....content.....at least for the moment. :) I truly am......

the future of two

Yes, we all know I want to move to Bend. I don't think I have to explain that again. The change, the new, the different, it's what I crave right now. (unless my cravings are the misinterpreted tick-tocks of my somewhat latent biological clock)
I have a strong(stubborn) and driven(obsessed) personality. When I decide I want to do something, watch out. So of course, I've been perusing craigslist for rental houses in Bend, taking the next step to get my RN so I can work wherever I want, and talking about our imminent move to anyone who will listen.
Enter the husband. We have been married for two years, together for six.five. We own a home(as much as you can own anything these days), we want to own a bike shop/brewpub someday, we want to eventually buy a place with a couple acres. We never made a plan, we just discussed, and dreamed. Now, I want a plan, a goal, a point in the near future that I can look forward to and work toward. So, of course I've been dropping not-so subtle hints frequently about my sincere interest in moving. Erich, per his usual, doesn't say much, however has expressed that he thinks I'm nuts for looking at rentals when a move wouldn't be possible for at least two years. And lately, I've gotten the idea that he doesn't necessarily want to move to Bend as much as I do. Ok, fine, I can deal with that, because I know that eventually Erich would probably like to move, he just needs time to process. He needs time to process pretty much any decision. That's why he's perfect for me, his deliberate analysis of a given situation nicely balances my tendencies toward impulsivity.
So.......now what?
I guess I move forward with my goal, with the understanding that the compromises of marriage might demand certain addendums to my plan for us.
For instance, we drove home from my parents yesterday and popped over to Whitmore for fun. The drive was beautiful with all the colors of fall. The Fern Rd. property(owned by the in-laws, and offered to us for the construction of what would be my dream home) grabs me everytime I see it, I don't know how, I don't know why but I fall in love with that place everytime we go there. I like projects, I love dreaming up all the things we could do to make that property our own private retreat. Even the thought of clearing brush and tending big burn piles in the crisp fall air makes me excited. And building a house that would be exactly how I wanted it??? My dream come true. Let's do it! (See, impulsive)
I could definitely see that as part of our future. But how about this, let's move to Bend for a few years. Then come back and settle down. Or maybe we don't. Maybe we love Bend so much that we buy a place up there and we are just as happy there as we could ever hope to be.
How will we ever know unless we boldly take a step in one of those directions? We have to take a step in some direction....I vote for North.
Or I guess we could just get pregnant. Maybe that would settle me down. :)

I've got my best shoes on, I'm ready to go

I would pack up our stuff and move tomorrow, I would. However, its not that simple when you own a house, when you need to finish school, when you have a life seven years in the making to wrap up into a portable u-haul sized package. I can't stop thinking about moving, I'm craving the new environment, the new community, the new experience. I'm tired of seeing the same things day after day, I'm tired of knowing half of the people I come into contact with, I'm tired of being disappointed because life here doesn't seem to satisfy me anymore. So, let's go, or at least get our feet moving in that direction.

So I'm concocting a to-do list for our eventual move. (I love making lists, I don't usually follow them, but I really like making them.)

1. The purging continues, I'm deciding what things are essential to me, what things I can easily let go of. The "letting go" list is getting rather long. Without even realizing it, I've found myself surrounded by mass market crap that I haven't used, let alone looked at since we moved in to this house. So, it goes out the door. There's still plenty of stuff left over, let me tell ya! And it's all really dusty....so I bought a can of pledge. Consolidating when the house is somewhat clean seems easier.

2. Need to get my RN. I love being a nurse but the fact is, being an LVN means you get less pay and work harder(in alot of cases) than your RN counterparts. Not to mention, there is a lack of respect when they see LVN on your name badge. So, today I submitted my application for re-enrollment at Shasta College. I need to take Microbiology, then I'll be eligible for the upgrade-program to get my RN. This should take approximately three semesters. I really hope there is no waiting list, other-wise, I'll have to explore other options. Once I put my mind to doing something, I don't like waiting. Maybe I'll commute to COS in Weed. That wouldn't be so bad, right?

3. Save money, pay off bills, conserve my resources! I am horrible at saving money, always have been. The fact is, moving, even if it's local, is expensive. I would like to have at least $5000 in our savings. Right now, I have $200. EEP! This will be the hardest thing to do for me, I am a spender. I'm gonna need some back-up. That'll be Erich's job, frequent reminders and possibly physical punishment if I can't control myself. :)

4. Learn to play my fiddle. This will be a good distraction and deterrent from spending money or wasting all day looking at rentals and job postings on bend's craigslist. I will also start crocheting again and try to diminish my extensive collection of yarn. Craft therapy and purging all in one.

Ok, this is a good start.......let's get to it.

Anniversary-trip Inspired Purging

We just returned from probably the best trip we have ever taken together. 8 days of stress-free, beer-drinking, ridgetop-camping bliss. It was really exactly what I needed. I returned yesterday thinking of a few things:

1. I love Bend. I want to move there. We spent only a few hours of our trip there but the majority of our trip within a couple hour proximity and it felt amazing. I don't know what it is....but I want to move there and find out. :)

2. If in fact moving was on the agenda, how much crap could I get rid of......the answer is: ALOT. Today I dropped three giant trashbags full of clothes and one box full of shoes off at the salvation army without even batting an eyelash. There is more where that came from. Stuff I haven't used in over a year, tossing it. Stuff we haven't unpacked since we moved into our house three and a half years ago, tossing it. I don't need all this clutter in my life. Period.

3. With this new outlook, I feel like I need to get rid of some crap from body as well. I read my fat flush book today and am contemplating doing the two-week jumpstart crazy plan but I'm just not good at diets. So I think instead I should cut out the beer for awhile , and try going dairy-free and as sugar-free as possible. That's a good place to start for me.

Purging is fun....what else can I get rid of?

Tired of feeling sorry for myself, or something along those lines

Seriously, WTF? What is wrong with me. Ever since Amy moved I've been in a funk. I miss her....but holy cow, why the depression-like slump I've sunk into? I hate this. I need to get myself going again, kickstart my motor. So today, I'm going to do yoga, I'm going to clean my kitchen, and I'm going to wake up. I have to.....I need to find my happy again. I can't keep focusing on all the things I wish could be and start focusing on all the wonderful things that are. I need fresh eyes, the ones I've been looking through are tired and jaded. Here I go.........